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"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
All milk is breast milk.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".