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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.