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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
I play hard to get along with.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!