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I like the part of the day when food happens.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.