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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.