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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!