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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.