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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.