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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do