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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
Smooth move.........ExLax
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?