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What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4