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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.