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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.