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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.