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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.