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I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.