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Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?