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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka