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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
AWESOME!