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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Iām a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.