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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.