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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.