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Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when Iām done.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.