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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.