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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."