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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.