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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it