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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.