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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Condoms prevent minivans.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.