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The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.