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i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!