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The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"