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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Line forms here for spankings
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.