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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.