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If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.