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Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.