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I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.