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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
What if the weather talks about us?
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.