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Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?