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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon