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Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
What’s the answer to this question?
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...