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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.