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Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.