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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
AWESOME!
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!