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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
How Big is Infinity?
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.