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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?