Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.