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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.