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Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.