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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.