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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D