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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."