Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car