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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-