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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.