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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!