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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.