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Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
only 9530 days until retirement.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.