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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.