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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even Iām not sure if Iām kidding or not.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!