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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
We get it poets: things are like other things
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?