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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"