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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.