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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.