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Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late