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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.