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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!