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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`